I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
ttyl tear gas
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
