Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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