he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
