A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
