Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
