He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
