dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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