is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
