I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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