Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
