The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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