Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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