You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
