Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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