help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
