Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
