I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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