It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
how does that bad decision feel?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
