I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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