it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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