I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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