so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize