im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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