a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
This house was built for laser tag.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
