Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize