Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
