Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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