I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
