anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
