Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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