Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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