Can i not drive my cunt home
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
