I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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