I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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