there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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