So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
