wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
