i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
