I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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