Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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