Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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