i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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