FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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