Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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