Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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