How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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