Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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