She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
