Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
