it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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