I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize