I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
