I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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