I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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