i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
